IKEA I-SHMEA

Yo Yo YO!

So, I was just sittin' at the old compy (my 'acer' brand living-room-computer-complete-with-intel-pentium-and-no-parental-internet-controls-hollerrrr-Wha -what?-bananas) WHEN I checked the old bloggy (mostly-a.blogspot.com complete with batman graphics)....AWESOME News: Site contributer Omnipiqua (sp?) has sent in another problem for me to solute. Here it is, comin right at'cha:

"I have found myself in a very difficult conundrum, Advice Guy, and I need your help. I recently bought a large amount of furniture (a ghetto-licious apartment-full) from those crafty Swedes at Ikea. However, I was not aware that one must assemble the furniture themselves, using instructions that have only pictures and no words! Not even in Swedish! And along the way, I think I got some of the pieces mixed up. Somehow I think my couch bled into my dining room table, creating an awkward picnic-table mass of wooden sticks that is impossible to either sit or eat at. Advice Guy, what should I do? "

If any of you readers has an answer, feel free to comment it in. I'm going to take a swing at it for now:

G: Yeah YEah You can do it, If you put yo back into it!

That phrase has gotten me through....actually not much in life besides competitive freak dancing....okay, let's walk through this together, so you want to take the medium L-bar piece and insert the long swivel hook through the second hole while locating fastening screws. Meanwhile, have a friend connect curved tube J lengthwise into the main frame.

See! Simple as pie. Simple as baking a pie with un-marked ingredients while blindfolded. As you can tell, If I were there with you I'd probably hold up pieces and look at them profoundly like "Hmmm....maybe if..no" then put them back down and go microwave some hot-pockets. Here's the run-down Kimosabe: The most important parts of a room are television, internet and food, and it sounds like you already have these things. Sit on a pillow and enjoy them next to your big wooden pile reminding you that in the wild you'd never be able to build a tree-house. After a while it'll sort itself out a.k.a. someone who is more of a Bob Vila engineer major type will be over and put it together for fun. Done aaand done.

Keep the Q's comin'

XOXO Advice Guy

B-MAN

I am very happy to have gotten this new inquery:

Advice Guy--I need your help. My boyfriend thinks he is Batman. I came home the other day to find that he has bought a pair of black tights. TIGHTS. And a ski mask. Help, Advice Guy--what should I do??

- from omniqpa

G: O.K. This is a thinker. Number One: Tights are nothing to worry about. In the 1700s that's pretty much all men wore, and usually with some capris over them. Number Two: Ski mask. This is more of a problem. Ski masks are only for criminals. He probably wears it while he steals things from you. Count all of your pokemon cards after he leaves. Number Three: I've actually wanted to sneak around at night and do some grafitti on this abandoned wall in Westwood. This sounds like a good outfit for that. Ask him if I can borrow it for about an hour?

All in all, Batman is the best superhero, and tights are the new hardtails for men. You've got nothing to worry about. You should dress up like a power ranger one day to even the score, but not the green one because everyone knows that one is lame.

Hells Yes. I <3 Questions.

LOOK Alive everyone! We've got a fresh Q right out of the comment-oven:

"here's a question.

i really don't trust guys who wear tight pants, even though i know that this is silly. how can i get over this irrational distrust?" -Wonga (Los Angeles, CA)

J: You don't trust those guys? Neither do I. They're untrustable. However, tight pants are still better than big saggy pants. Those people could be hiding anything under there: guns, bombs...a home-made knife they made in prison-knife-making class!! Although normal sized pants are best, just think to yourself: Ugh, fine I'll trust you. I suppose your pants could be worse.

G: I understand your distrust. Wearing tight pants is a way of saying: "Hi everyone. I'm soo trendy that my pants show you exactly how big or not big my peener is right now. Also, I'm most likely wearing dyed hair and 14 bracelets."

The reason you can't trust tight pant people is because when they say things like "Yeah, right on." or "I don't know man," what they're really doing is listening to Arcade Fire or Fall Out Boy in their head.

I know this because I myself have some pretty tight jeans. My answer: Continue not trusting them, and add these people to the list of un-trustworthies: Cats (aka robots with camera eyes engineered by the government).

Wonga has also given a few answers to previous quanderies. They are posted under questions in this blog under the alias "W"

It's working!

Yes. This blog is already working! I've received these questions for the site via facebook:

Greg, can I borrow your book for monday's class? -Janet (Los Angeles, CA)

G: Yeah, get it from me tomorrow when I'm at work...and Stay In School! (last part added to sound more advice-y)

Advice Guy, How is your summer going? Are you excited about an Arrested Development movie? -Saba (Sacramento, CA)

G: My summer is good. However, I had to wake up at 6 something this morning for work, which caused me to fall asleep later around 7pm and then wake up around 9pm all groggy and like "What the?! What day is it? Why is it dark outside!" I felt kind of out-of-it. Maybe that is why many homeless people seem disgruntled alot of the time, because they are required to sleep at odd times throughout the day. (How do I know that this is a requirement of being homeless?.. Because I saw a clip of the Tyra show where Tyra Banks pretended to be homeless for a day, and the first thing she did was lie down on the street with a blanket around noon like, "Oop! Homeless. Have to sleep right now.It's the rule.")

Am I excited about the movie? Yes. It sounds like a good movie. Similarly, The other day I saw a commercial for "The House Bunny," and I'll say it: it looks hilarious.

As long as I'm off on a tangent: I was watching a clip of one of my fave comedians Mike Birbiglia and he said that he google-alerts his own name, like he searches for when his name comes up in blogs (like this one) to see what people are saying about him. I think he's pretty knee-slapping-ly funny. Mike Birbiglia are you reading this? You probably are, aren't you? I'm a big fan. Write something back in a comment!

Maybe I should provoke Mike Birbiglia to respond by talking a little smack too. Mike, you talk slow sometimes. Although it is soothing, sometimes I wish someone would poke you or you would take some "weight loss pills" (speed) during a show so that we could see hyper Mike Birbiglia....Ohhh my godddd Mike Birbiglia WRY me a Commeeehhhh-nt! thx.

I'm also going to say a name of other famous people who I like in case they also uses google alerts to read things about themselves. If you read this respond: Eugene Mirman, Victoria Secret Model with weird shaped head, Owen Wilson.

And finally, here is some advice I found on an e-card. I'm not sure what it means, but I love meat. :

<3,

Advice Guy

LEts Get started!

What's going on people? Ok. Enough chit chat. Let's get started. This is how it works:

1. send in a question. (by commenting anywhere on this blog. anywhere? that's right. anywhere.)

2. me (greg) and my team of experts (julie, and whoever else might be in the room at the time) will respond.

3. you get advice.

4. that's it.

5. lather, rinse, and repeat



I'm going to hit the ground running by answering a few questions right now:



How do I make smokey eyes? -Kelsey (Trenton, NJ)

G: I don't know...try rubbing some make-up on them.

J: Try squinting really hard.

W: Smokey eyes: i dunno, maybe you should pick up smoking. then when you quit, people will think you're a hero.



How can I lose weight? -anonymous (Houston, TX)

G: Try playing a sport that requires moving around alot (sorry badmitton). Here are a list of sports that are ideal: jogging, speed walking, jazzercise. Here are a list of sports that generally do not help weight loss: sumo wrestling, competitive eating, field hockey. Good Luck!

J: Eating right and exercise are the way to go! But if that sounds like too much: Trim spa Bay-bee.

W: Losing weight: i surround myself with bulimics. even my fish occasionally induces vomiting. after a while, you become embarrassed that you are the only one not throwing up. furthermore, it can be a good bonding experience with your friends.



Alright. Great first day everyone. Keep those questions coming. Advice Guy signing out. xoxo Advice Guy